Overeating

It has come to my attention recently (by way of a doctor’s appointment, talking with a counselor, and my friend eating too much at a gathering) that I really need to get a hold of my tendency to eat.  If it is in front of me, I tend to eat it, whether or not I’m actually hungry.  I eat when I’m studying, or bored.  The only time I don’t eat is when I’m emotionally upset (like a break-up); that tends to prompt a fasting period.

So where did this urge to eat come from?  For maybe by understanding its origins, I can take steps to undo the compulsion…

I think part of it might be my upbringing.  You know, when parents urge you to clear your plate at dinner because there are starving people in the world and you don’t want to waste food.  (Nevermind that we saved the leftovers to eat later…)  If this is the case, then clearing my plate should have brought praise and smiles from my parents.  I can’t actually remember them saying this…

… Though on a related note, dinners with my parents weren’t the calmest of times.  They were often totally quiet, as my parents would read the newspaper at the dinner table (which is how I learned to read upside-down).  Or the atmosphere was so walking-on-eggshells because my parents were in the silent phase of an argument that we finished eating as soon as possible and excused ourselves back to our rooms.

(Gods, there was so much social awkwardness just in that last paragraph, it’s no wonder I didn’t know how to interact with people in the real world.)

I think another part of my overeating comes from the last five years or so, when I’ve been receiving food stamps.  First of all, I usually get between $150 and $183 per month, depending on how much money I was making during the weeks leading up to the most recent recertification period.  And unless nine-tenths of what you eat is rice and beans, it’s really hard to make that size budget stretch to cover three meals a day for 31 days.  Second, if the timing wasn’t just right, it was VERY easy for paperwork to slip through the cracks, and then my benefits would stop.

I think I might’ve developed a bit of Starving Cat Syndrome, where you eat whatever you can because you don’t really know where your next meal is coming from.  And while my situation wasn’t (isn’t)  really that bad, it’s settled as a nervousness in the back of my brain, which prompts me to stock up on rice and cans of beans so that if I do run out of food stamps in any given month, I’ll still have something available.  I definitely did not think like that back in the day.

On a related note, it is really hard to eat good-quality food while on a food stamp budget.  Anything that says “organic” tends to be so expensive that I don’t bother with it, despite knowing that it’s healthier.  So when medical people tell me that I should try X, Y, or Z eating plan (gluten-free, almond milk, chia seeds, etc.), I always have to tell them that I’m on a VERY limited food budget and simply can’t afford the fancy things they’re suggesting.

Something I heard recently, and I’m not sure how much credit to give it, is that I might have started overeating because I felt empty (emotionally), and wanted to feel full, and food did the job and tasted good so wins all around.  I don’t necessarily agree with this (as my post-break-up fasting indicates), but it intuitively makes sense.  So why does my intuition agree with this?

Answer: I have no idea.  But it is something to keep in mind.

I’m concerned about making too many changes to my life at once, because I don’t think I’d be able to continue ALL of them, but I’m thinking about adding “investigate OA” to my list of potential changes to make this summer.  I’m checking out the OA website now, and getting the tear-prickle response, so I know that some of this resonates with me.  (On the other hand, reading the Twelve Steps & Twelve Traditions is kinda wigging me out a bit.)

At any rate, I think I did rather well today.  While my gluten-free test got put on major pause, I did not stuff myself stupid at the buffet.  One victory at a time.

Three Liberating Questions

In my searching for chakra info the other week, I came across this article (blog post? Sometimes I’m not sure what the difference is…) describing ways to free ourselves from “the tyranny of the norm.”

Question 1: Are you willing to transform your life into an adventure?

I would dearly like to.  My current plan is to buy an old schoolbus and renovate it into a tiny house; I’d probably look into how to convert the engine to run off biofuels (aka old fry oil).  This would mean owning my home for less than $10,000.  I’d travel around (with my cat!), and do sewing and maybe canning preserves to pay bills.  I’ve played with the idea of traveling around to renfaires and farmer’s markets to sell stuff, and I’ve got plans for an Etsy store this summer.

Just thinking about this plan gets me excited.  I’d be able to go places and see things and meet people!  I’ve been feeling kinda stagnant, living in the same place for so long…  This would be an adventure, for sure!

Question 2: Are you ready to learn the art of not giving a damn what other people think?

I’d have to.  To enact the above plan, I’d have to completely disregard what my parents think about how I should be living.

But not caring what other people think also means not filtering who I am.  It means not apologizing for my life choices: my decision to not have children, my decision to (likely) not get married, my decision to not get a typical job just because I need money.  It means paring away everything that is not me, and loving myself despite the messages from society.

Question 3:  Are you willing to bring meaning to the meaningless?

Should the pieces fall into place, I am ready to start transforming my lifestyle.  I recognize the different sources of waste that folks tend to overlook (wearing contacts, for example), and am considering what steps to take to reduce my footprint on the earth.  To bring meaning to the meaningless is to “create your own meaning, to engage with your own self-inflicted philosophy, to evolve into your own spiritual interdependence….”

How can I bring meaning to my life? to the world?

Healing with the Wheel of the Year

This is a thought piece reflecting on this article, by Tiffany Lazic, in which she discusses five ways to use the Wheel of the Year as a tool to help harmonize yourself.

  1. Identify your own personal flow.  How do you respond to each spoke in the Wheel?  As you flow through the year, where are the bumpy times?
    1. What is it about this time of year that makes me uncomfortable?
    2. Is there an experience that happened around this time that still brings up fear/ anger/ sadness?
    3. How does this time of year relate to the cycle of growth & fulfillment?
  2. Apply the awareness of personal flow to varied expressions of the cycle.  Early bird or night owl?  Is there a particular time of life you resonate with?  Does your energy wane at a particular time of day?
    1. If you find patterns, determine the correspondence to the Wheel.  For example, longing for the teenage years can indicate a need to look at how to transition from Beltaine to Litha.
  3. Pay attention to which deities call you at which times.
    1. Deities can help us through trials we face.
    2. If Hecate comes in spring, ask yourself “What wisdom of the Great Mystery might I be exploring now?”  If Poseidon comes in winter, ask yourself “What emotions could be lying beneath the surface that could become turbulent if left unchecked?”
  4. Be aware of animal guides, nature spirits, and ancestors.  (The author gives the example of which insects seem most prevalent as an indicator of what the coming season/year would be like.)
  5. Let your body be involved.  Does it want to dance or sleep?  Does it feel disconnected or flighty? or filled with languid fluidity? or burdensome solidity?

I’ll have to try to pay closer attention to these things over the next year, but this is what I’ve got right now:

I’ve never really felt connected to Imbolc.  In contrast, I like Beltaine well enough, and my favorites are Samhain and Yule.  I’m sort of ambivalent about the other holidays.  I’m definitely a night owl, and even with waking up between 10 and noon I still want an nap sometime between 3 and 5 (-ish) pm.

… I just had a fantastic idea: overlaying a 24-hr clock on the Wheel of the Year, syncing the times of dark and times of light, and seeing if my holidays preferences correspond to my preferred sleep schedule.  Need to do this now…

As far as deities are concerned, I know I’ve felt connected with Loki at times when I was feeling particularly crazy.  (Like, at least a dozen different lines of thought happening at any given moment.)  I had a connection with the Star-Eyed Goddess (from Mercedes Lackey’s Valdemar ‘verse) at a time when I was learning tai chi a few years ago.

Regarding Elements:  This semester, I was cold and tired all the time.  I never felt motivated to do anything.  It reminded me of element starvation (from ATLA), when prisoners were kept away from their element to keep them subdued.  While I can interact well with Air (as evidenced by how much thinking a student has to do, and how cerebral I tend to be), my primary element is Fire.  So for many nights in a row, I’d light half a dozen tea lights in my room and burn them completely, both to surround myself with my element and to warm up my bedroom.  I think it works, because I lit candles again last night, and was inspired to make a skirt that I’d been planning & just hadn’t gotten around to.


UPDATE:  According to this diagram I drew up, I tend to sleep through Imbolc and Ostara, and wake up sometime around Beltaine, with my afternoon slump around Lughnasadh.  And while I can stay up through Imbolc, I’m happiest if I’m sleeping at Ostara.

The correspondences of this require more introspection, though it makes sense to me; my childhood and youth were not necessarily pleasant, and I rather hated my youth and slept through my life at that time.  Apparently this carried over. … Though I’ve no idea why my energy wanes for Lughnasadh, as I’m not old enough to have lived that part of my life yet.

I drew this up last night, based on my location.

I drew this up last night, based on my location.

Full Contact Magick – Part 1 – Response

(Response to Full Contact Magick – Part 1)

I feel like Chapter 1 ties in nicely with my previous thoughts on interconnectedness.

I haven’t really agreed with the Rede before now.  The part about harming none never really sat well with me, as I’ve never considered myself a pacifist.  (Reasons perhaps to be fully explored later.)  I suppose I agree more now than I have previously because I understand more about interconnectedness and respecting the divine in everything.  (See also my post on TechNO-Fix.)  I think I get it, now, though I still have a lot of work to do.

“Know Thyself.”  Workin’ on that, too.  I’m sure there’s a proverb somewhere about shining light into the shadows of ourselves.  Looking at the list of personal characteristics I’d made when first reading this book (last summer), I can’t really say I’d change anything on it.  I think now that a great deal of the cruelty my brain comes up with is a defense mechanism from being hurt so many times.  I’m paranoid because I don’t trust people easily.  I grew thorns.  (Possible future post on why I’ve always identified as a Slytherin.)

I’ve had a sense of when people are making themselves out to be more than they actually are (tougher, stronger, more fearless, etc.).  I smile & nod, but I don’t believe them.  Though that could just be my cynicism…

And yes, that is a second reference to Avatar: the Last Airbender.  There will likely be more of those.

Honesty implies truthfulness, fairness, and refusal to engage in fraud, deceit, or dissembling. Honor implies a worthy adherence to a strict moral or ethical code. Integrity is moral soundness, especially when one’s steadfastness of purpose, responsibility, or trust is tested. Probity is proven integrity. Rectitude is moral righteousness.  ~American Heritage College Dictionary~

I’ve had a hard time breaking my habit of being late.  It’s probably tied into my procrastination, but whenever I leave to go somewhere, I inevitably feel like I’m forgetting something, so I stand around wondering what it was I’d forgotten…

The only problem is, I can't remember what it is I've forgotten.

The only problem is, I can’t remember what it is I’ve forgotten.

So to attempt to fix this I set all the times in my calendars to 10-15 minutes before the actual appointment or meeting time, so I might actually get there on-time.  It kinda works…

“If you want to master your situation, master yourself first.”  I’m workin’ on it, dang it!

As for keeping a journal of my dreams, I’ve tried this on several occasions, resulting in a scattered record of the few dreams I can remember.  The problem recently has been a combination of just not getting enough sleep, and that I wake up & have to get going so quickly that my dreams are the last thing on my mind.  Hopefully I can work on this now, by scheduling things in the afternoon so I can wake up slower & maybe remember them more.

I would totally start taking tai chi lessons again, if they weren’t so expensive.  Maybe a gym or a YMCA has tai chi, and if they do I’m sure it’s cheaper than my prior lessons.  (It’s hard for me to sit still to meditate, so I was interested in tai chi as a moving meditation.)

“Your body is your temple….”  ALL of the self-improvement!  Posts on this topic will probably be filed under the Health category…

Chakras.  Oh, chakras.  I got SO distracted doing external reading & research on these.  First, I stumbled across an internet quiz (of course) that could give insight to which chakras are fully opened & functioning.  As this graph evidences, I have energy work to do, too.

Apparently, only my 5th and 6th chakras are working properly.

Apparently, only my 5th and 6th chakras are working properly.  Not really surprised, honestly.

This sent me into looking at ways to open the other chakras and I should probably work with someone who’s experienced in this sort of thing so I don’t mess myself up even more.  (Here my thoughts spun off on a tangent of reworking my charm bracelet to incorporate stones with chakra associations, and possibly needing to purify the whole thing, chain & charms, and start over…)

I’ve always felt a little weird doing spells & rituals that I didn’t write.  It feels very… formulaic? stiff?  They don’t resonate with me.  This is one reason why I don’t really like the few spell books that I have.  If I need to do a spell, I’ll put it together myself, whether or not it requires tools/Weapons.

On feeling magickal:  I don’t necessarily think that I need something unusual to incite this.  I experience moments of connection and very clear vision; when my cat says that she loves me, smelling the spring flowers, looking at fallen snowflakes and seeing perfect crystalline forms.  Working on a project and knowing that it will be brilliant when finished.  These moments are magick.

Full Contact Magick – Part 1

Book One: The Book of Spirit covers chapters 1-7 of Full Contact Magick: A Book of Shadows for the Wiccan Warrior, by Kerr Cuhulain.  In this multi-part posting series, I’ll include notes and thoughts on the relevant chapters.  (As Book One covers seven chapters, this post will be epically long…)


All good fortune is a gift of the gods, and you don’t win the favor of the ancient gods by being good, but by being bold.  ~Anita Brookner~

Chapter 1: Divinity starts by saying that wiccans “believe the divine is imminent in everything around us.  We do not separate the divine from the everyday world….  Everything around us is divine.”  There is a reference to the physics of everything being made of energy, which connects us to everything else.  So wiccans don’t worship in the traditional sense, because the divine also resides within us; “It is in divinity that we find ourselves.  Praying is talking to yourself.”  The prime example of this is found in the Charge of the Goddess (by Doreen Valiente), which is held as a reminder that everything (including ourselves) is divine.

To reestablish a connection with the natural world around you is to reconnect with divine energy.

The author goes on to state that modern wicca is ditheistic, which means that we recognize both male and female aspects of divinity.  (“This reflects the two genders that we see…”  Thoughts: What about those folks who don’t conform to the gender binary?  Isn’t gender now accepted as a spectrum, and not two separate things?)

It is not a revealed religion, with prophets or holy books.  The divine figures we work with are more fluid than those of traditional religions, and “choosing an aspect of deity that represents the magickal work you intend to carry out helps to energize the magick.  … Use whatever system [of deities] seems most comfortable to you.  These deities are images that speak to your subconscious and they will be most effective if they are familiar symbols.”

Chapter 2: The Wiccan Rede obviously opens with the rede itself:

An It Harm None, Do What Thou Wilt.

It is both plan of action and code of conduct.  The first half “requires us to take responsibility for our actions rather than relinquishing them to someone or something else,” which is the key to the wiccan ethical system.  We do this by treating everyone and everything as if they are divine (see also Cha. 1), and thus are less likely to harm what we respect.

The second half of the rede is also deceptively simple: Do what you will.

What is your will?  Do you know what you want from life?  Or are you trying to conform to someone else’s expectations?  What direction are you going in your life?  Do you have specific objectives and goals to achieve?

But one needs to remember that the two halves go together.  “You cannot embrace freedom without any consideration for how your actions will affect others.”  Follow your bliss, but take responsibility for your actions.  “You cannot be a victim, the pawn of others’ schemes and the plaything of fate, and be a magician too.” ~Amber K.~

“You make up for the things that you can’t influence with the things that you can control….  If you aren’t what you want to be, it is up to you to do something about it….  A Warrior is a person who makes a fearless and objective inventory of his or her personal characteristics and then uses this information to take control of his or her life.”

First Warrior Precept:
Know Thyself.

At this point the author instructs the reader to make an objective (!) list of personal characteristics in their Book of Shadows.  This becomes a tool kit for taking control of your life, as characteristic on the list will (in theory) be useful at some point.  (I did this the first time I was reading this book, but I should probably go back and edit it, now that I know more about myself.)

Chapter 3: The Witch’s Pyramid begins a description of a five-sided model that helps explain the five magickal principles: To Know, To Keep Silent, To Dare, To Imagine, & To Will.  The principle discussed in the book of Spirit is To Know, but this is not merely knowledge.  This is knowing “on a deep psychological and spiritual level.”

Second Warrior Precept:
Nurture the ability to perceive the truth in all matters.

This perception should act as “a personal bullshit detector, seeing through denial and exercising discernment.”  The only way to control something is to understand it; “From one thing, know ten thousand things.”

Third Warrior Precept:
You create your own reality.

This is the goal.  Do what thou wilt.  Be who you want to be.  Follow your bliss.  “Once you set yourself free, you can accomplish anything.”

Chapter 4: Honor, Karma, & The Law of Threefold Return begins with a discussion of how chivalry is actually a romantic legend, and even Bushido warriors didn’t always live up to their ideals.  He defines right action as doing “what is right, just, and true,” and having an impartial sense of justice.

Fourth Warrior Precept:
Develop a sense of right action.

Respect is something that you earn, by giving it to others.  The author lists a few ways to show respect:

  • Keeping your word.
  • Be generous as far as your resources allow.
  • Don’t waste other people’s time (esp. by being late).
  • “If you want the world to be a wonderful place, do wonderful things.”

The author describes how the Law of Threefold Return came into being.  This “law” essentially states that whatever you put out into the world, will come back to you three times over; it started as a PR bid by Ray Buckland, who was using it to help people understand that we’re not destructive cult members.

… it would be more accurate to use the concept of karma than the three-fold law to describe what happens in the real world.  What you do gets passed forward by others and will eventually make its way back to you.

“Wiccans are shapeshifters…. You shape your life and behavior to control life’s circumstances to your advantage…. If you want to master your situation, you need to master yourself first.”  One does this by paying attention to details and planning for all possible contingencies.

The fact that Wiccans believe in reincarnation makes it very tempting to blame problems in this life on mistakes and circumstances from previous lives.  “Study your present life to identify recurring problems.  These are the things that you are working on in this life.”  Past life regressions might be fun, but they won’t help solve any problems that are occurring in the present time.

Fifth Warrior Precept:
Do not be negligent, even in trifling matters.

The chapter ends with a brief discussion of magickal ethics.  The main point is to try not to do magic for other people without their permission.  This ties back in with personal responsibility, and how do we know what someone wants for their life if we don’t ask?  This is especially true for love spells; “Don’t magick a person for something, magick the universe.”

Following are some brief notes on Chapter 5: Symbols of Spirit:

  • Symbols are what make ritual and mythology so powerful.  Images and symbols are the language of the subconscious.
  • Keeping a journal of your dreams is a good way to start learning the symbols of your subconscious.
  • The five points of the pentagram, starting at the top & moving clockwise, are Spirit, Water, Fire, Earth, & Air.
  • Wiccans create their sacred space when & where they need it, by casting a circle to contain the energy they raise.
  • Esbats are full moon rituals (13 per year), but different phases of the moon are appropriate for different purposes:
    • New moon = beginnings, initiations, & divination
    • Waxing moon = growth, healing, & increasing
    • Full moon = coming to fruition, completion, & fulfillment
    • Waning moon = cleansing, banishing, & completion
  • Sabbats are rituals that correspond to solar energy.  Lesser Sabbats (solstices & equinoxes) were important to farming peoples; Greater Sabbats (cross-quarter days) were important to herding peoples.
  • Wiccans normally consider the day as beginning at sundown and ending at the following sundown. (Is this why I’m half-nocturnal?)
  • The turning seasons of the year reflect the pattern of resolution-commitment-action-review that the Warrior uses to maximize effectiveness.  (More details in later chapters.)

Chapter 6: Experiencing Energy begins the discussion of how to send out energy, because “a Warrior needs to become sensitive to the energy within and without.  You must connect to the channels of energy around you and let it flow through you in order to do magick effectively…. The trick is to tap into the natural energy around you and use this instead of your personal reserves.”

The author encourages practicing techniques from disciplines like Tai Chi to get your energy (chi) flowing in your body.  “Awareness of the energy flow during the magickal working gives you a much better indication of how effective your magick is at the time that you are practicing it.”

Sixth Warrior Precept:
Your body is your temple.  Care for it!

Energy will flow best if your body is in good shape, and a person in good shape has better reserves of energy.  Also, your body is a reflection of the divine to which we are all connected.  The expression “Thou art God/Goddess” takes on new meaning if you don’t like what you see in the mirror.

The author recommends taking the time to do a daily devotion, to help focus your attention on the body that carries your divine spark.  His example starts, “Blessed be my feet that are set upon Her path.  Blessed be my knees, which hold me proud and strong….”

… an exercise program should be supported with a healthy diet.  A high-fat diet consisting of processed food, or an excess of caffeine, tobacco, or alcohol will affect your energetic levels and thought processes.

The next segment describes some energy exercises, which I won’t describe in any detail as that would make this post even longer.  The first is a standing posture he calls “Entering Tranquility,” such that all of the energy channels in your body are free.  The next is “Forming a Ball,” which is guidance for making a ball of energy in your hands, followed by “Passing the Ball,” a group exercise wherein all members get practice forming, passing, and reabsorbing energy.  The last is an advanced technique that combines the first two into “Holding the Ball,” which is remarkably like a tai chi meditation pose.

The author then describes chakras and how to energize them each in turn, and the subchakras (energy centers) located in the hands and fingertips, and their associated correspondences.

Chapter 7: Magickal Tools and Magickal Weapons begins with a discussion of why we need magickal weapons:  “I will suggest to you that what we need to protect ourselves from is our own nature….  Weapons don’t commit violent acts.  People do.  This underscores the responsibility involved in the Warrior’s path.  The Warrior’s path is a peaceful one because he wills it to be so.”

… if misused, these tools can cause a lot of pain and suffering.  By naming them Weapons we remind ourselves that they should be respected and used properly, lest we do unintended harm.

Paired Greater & Lesser Magickal Weapons:

  • Spirit & Mind
  • Sword & Athame (dagger)
  • Spear & Wand
  • Cauldron & Chalice
  • Shield & Pentacle

“Spirit is the source of the energy that the Warrior accesses in magickal work….  It is your mind that provides the intent [or purpose].”

Seventh Warrior Precept:
Minimal appearance, maximum content.

“In real life, the best moves are the most subtle ones.  The best moves are quick, hard to see, and devastatingly effective.”  You don’t actually need the tools of ritual to do the magick; all you really need to do is raise the energy and direct it.  However, using the tools can help focus the energy; they help us feel magickal, and tell our subconscious that something special is happening.


SO.  That was WAY longer than I was expecting.  Look for a post with my responses coming soon!

Gluten-Free Update

I’ve been eating gluten-free for a week now, and so far it’s not bad.  I think the strongest emotional reaction I’ve had is irritation:

  • I can’t have burritos from Bueno y Sano (and I love their burritos).
  • If I keep doing this, I’ll have to learn how to convert ALL my baking recipes to gluten-free.
  • My brother keeps baking cakes.  (Bro, it’s not that I don’t want any, it’s that I can’t have any right now.)
  • Are meds like Tums and vitamins gluten-free??

I think this might be a good thing to continue for awhile.  I think (maybe, possibly) my waist might be starting to slim down a little.  It’s hard to tell this early.  Not necessarily any marked improvements with my inflammation.

The best part of this is that my favorite brand of ice cream (gelato, really) has GF flavors: chocolate chip, double dark chocolate, sea salt caramel, and tahitian vanilla cover all my gelato needs.  Win.

Now I just hope that I don’t also have to give up dairy.  Because that would suck balls.

Pandora’s Box

On Monday I had an appointment with a counselor at school, with the vague plan of helping me work through some of the Bad Stuff that I deliberately don’t think about most of the time.  The plan was to use Accelerated Resolution Therapy (ART), which is similar to EMDR.  Apparently ART is very successful in helping treat those with PTSD, such as returning veterans.

We ran into a problem when I couldn’t pick just one topic to work on.  The counselor who was describing the process remarked that, because we essentially had only the one appointment together, it might be better to not start the process; she didn’t want to crack the lid on a Pandora’s box of an unknown amount of bad things.

And I agree.  With just one session, it’s likely that far more would be uncovered than actually resolved.

So I was thinking on my way home about what she said, how some people deal with their problems by compartmentalizing them.  This is really what I’ve done, but I know that it’s not healthy and I know that I can’t really heal and proceed with my life until I actually deal with the stuff.

My emotional spectrum has always been a little… off.  When Fellowship of the Ring first came out (gods, before my parents divorced), my mom called me heartless because I didn’t cry when Boromir dies.  My response to that is that there wasn’t a lot of emotion in that scene; it was his redemption.  That was a good & honorable death.  By contrast, the scene in Two Towers where the knights of Gondor (led by Faramir) are riding out to face the orcs, and everyone knows that they’re going to their deaths, and the women give them flowers… I’m crying just thinking about that.

I also cry when I’m angry, though it’s probably a combination of anger & frustration.  I think this stems from not being taught acceptable ways to show anger while growing up.

Getting back to my Pandora’s box metaphor, I think I somehow realized that I was most vulnerable through my emotions.  I hated being weak.  It was important to present a strong front, because maybe then people wouldn’t hurt me.  So I started repressing my emotions, and distancing myself from that well of pain.

Oh gods.  Maybe that’s where the psychotic voice came from.  Wishing to turn my inner pain out on the world that hurt me.  That would explain some things!

… So every time something hurtful has happened, I lock it away.  I don’t actually have a lot of active memories of growing up; I have to hunt for them.  There are things I deliberately do not think about, because there’s too much emotional pain behind them.  (These are the things I need to air out, so, you’re forewarned.)

Pandora’s box, indeed.  I guess I really do need to find an EMDR/ART therapist…

Mother’s Day

I meant to write on this topic yesterday, but I was on a roll with sewing projects & didn’t want to break my groove…

I want to start this post by saying that I do love my mom.  I know that she’s got my back if I’m going through a tough spot.  I am my mother’s daughter; not only do we look alike and sound alike (the aunts can confirm), but we even have similar types of crazy (which I’m almost convinced is a family trait).

Mom’s been through some tough stuff over the years.  She’s the youngest of seven children, and the only one with a heavier body type; She told me once that when her sisters wanted to know if the ice on a pond on their property was thick enough, they’d send her out first.  I can’t imagine what that did to her psyche.

She’s a hard worker.  Growing up on a dairy farm might have contributed to that; one of her chores was doing the milking twice a day.  I know that she’s got multiple college degrees (I think her BA is from AIC), and she was working full time and taking classes.  I was born when she was 30, and there’s a picture somewhere of her holding me at her graduation, wearing her cap.  Mom’s not afraid of hard work.

She married my dad when they were 20.  I think they went to the same high school, and I’m not sure if they ever dated anyone else before they got together.  They bought a house shortly afterward, and did some traveling before I was born.  I was four when my brother was born, and I actually have memories of that day.

Fast-forward a few years and Mom is working a rotating 12-hour shift; we didn’t see much of her, and Dad stayed home to care for us.  Which sounds awful, but it was by her income that we were able to move into my current home.  But things weren’t sunshine & roses…

I don’t remember exactly when I realized it, but I’m pretty sure by the time I was 12 I knew something wasn’t right in my parents’ relationship.  Things went downhill pretty fast, actually.  My folks made their own wine, and indulged in it just about every night.  And Mom, I love you, but you can’t hold your alcohol at all.

I have a very distinct memory of waking her up off the couch, and supporting her up the stairs because I was ready to go to bed and didn’t feel right leaving them passed out in the living room.

I also remember the time she was crying on my shoulder because of some emotional hurt… something about the sexual discrimination she faced at work and Dad not giving her any emotional support.

And while I recognize that these are legitimate problems and she was probably an emotional mess, she really should have been seeing a therapist.  I don’t think she should have put that on me.

A few years after my parents divorced, my brother & I were visiting her.  She’d been drinking, and at the end of the visit (I don’t remember what triggered this) she started talking about how she hadn’t really wanted kids, but she had us in the hopes that it would change our father & improve their marriage.  And then she was crying, and we left, and my brother was crying, and I held his hand the whole drive home.

… What do you say to that?

Thankfully she doesn’t drink that much anymore, or at least I don’t encounter her that far gone anymore. So while I love my mom, and I respect what she’s been through, I don’t approve of her coping method.  I also have some resentment toward her for doing & saying those things.  I grew up too fast.  And sometimes over the phone, when I end with, “I love you, Mom,” she doesn’t say it back.  That really hurts, especially as she’s really the only one I hear that from.  It hurts that sometimes she can’t say that she loves me.

Recently I’ve been noticing how different our worldviews are.  I love my mom, but she’s also homophobic, racist, anti-immigrant, and a creationist (anti-science).  I don’t understand where this all came from!  We weren’t raised that way.  If she wants to get support for her past troubles through religion, I’ve got no problem with that.  Faith can be a powerful healer.  But this is not healing.  This is hate.  I fear that she’s turned the bad stuff she’s experienced (in her childhood & in her marriage) from the self-hate of alcoholism into hate against other people.  ((I think if I call Comcast and block her access to Fox News, that might improve things…))  This makes for really awkward conversations, as if things weren’t awkward enough.

So yeah, I still love my mom, through all this.  But man, things have gotten weird over the years.

TechNO-Fix: Why Technology Won’t Save Us or the Environment – Part 2

(This is a continuation of my “TechNO-Fix… Part 1” post.)

Chapter 12: The Need for a Different Worldview starts by describing the power that paradigms and worldviews have over us.  They are mental models of how the world works, and as such they dictate how we see, experience, and interact with the world around us.

At the very core of a particular worldvew one always finds a set of dominant values and norms that give people meaning and guide their actions and behavior.

Typically conflicting paradigms are resolved through the parties involved providing more convincing facts, displays and applications of physical power (wars), and the application of economic power (mass media).  However, a true paradigm shift will only happen when those who oppose the new view pass on; it is notoriously difficult to change the way people see the world.

It is probably much more effective to instill in the younger generation the new paradigm as part of their standard education than to waste time debating it with the older generation, who may never be able to change their mental maps.

The key thing to remember, is that after a worldview has changed, there is no way to go back to the previous version.  As I am not who I was a month ago (or even yesterday) we cannot return to who we were; we can only keep going.

Our current worldview is one based primarily on the illusion of separateness, which needs to change to one of interconnectedness and shared destiny.

As the world’s great spiritual traditions have warned repeatedly, anything that violates this unity will surely result in negative consequences.

(Note: This goes beyond the “Do unto others” rule that many of us … at least heard about.  It includes the whole of earth, all the plants and animals and natural cycles as one living, breathing organism.)

This is tied in with the need for a different view of the economy.  The current model of economic growth has really only been around for the last 200 years, and has only been a guiding principle for the past 50 years or so.  Before that, people lived in essentially a steady-state.

Growth is an aberration, not the norm.

Herman Daly’s book Beyond Growth is said to be a fascinating read on ways to achieve a steady-state economy.  However, this would involve such an extreme redistribution of wealth (the likes of which Robin Hood himself could scarcely imagine) that it won’t happen without equally extreme social & political upheaval.

Something else we could change our views on is medicine; the prevention of disease is more cost-effective than treatment.

Health would be seen as a state of balance, in which the individual is in harmony within as well as with the surrounding social and natural environment.

This would require shifting medical research toward understanding the social and environmental factors in disease causation, and could lead to reduced healthcare costs all around and leading longer, fuller lives.

However, a paradigm shift toward interconnectedness can only happen when people raise their consciousness.  Dr. David Korten defined five levels of consciousness:

  1. Magical (age 2-6) = unable to recognize consequences or take responsibility
  2. Imperial (age 6-12) = justice is primitive and personally enforced; conforming to expectations of authority figures generally leads to rewards
  3. Socialized (age 12 & up) = cultural norms are internalized; capable of empathy, but susceptible to manipulation; prone to demand rights for members of own group that they’re willing to deny others; based on artificial “in-group/out-group” duality.  (**most people stop here**)
  4. Cultural = equal justice for all people; universal respect for human rights.  Those who progress to this level generally face rejection by their previous group.
  5. Spiritual = morality is based on justice, love, and compassion; recognizes the need for nonviolent civil disobedience.

(Note: Ages listed are approximate.)

There are ways to raise one’s level of consciousness.  The authors suggest courses in anthropology, comparative religions, philosophy, ethics, psychology, biological evolution, quantum physics, and astronomy (to name a few!) to broaden one’s knowledge of the world.  Being exposed to the views and practices of other cultures, such as through exchange programs & the Peace Corps, are also encouraged.  Lastly, crises may force people to reevaluate where they stand in relation to the rest of the world.

A traditional and effective way to increase one’s awareness of the interconnectedness of life is to practice spiritual disciplines and acts of charity.  Unfortunately, our modern, industrialized, consumer culture only strengthens selfishness.


This chapter spoke to me in the voice of Huu, from Avatar: the Last Airbender.

This also ties in with my feeling drawn to meditative paths like Zen in recent weeks.  Granted, the likelihood of me being able to sit still for long periods of time is pretty small, but I still feel the need to somehow quiet my overactive mind and find the eye of the storm.

Health as harmony is important to me, in part because I really believe that holistic medicine can actually help.  (Example A: I see a chiropractor regularly.)  While I wouldn’t turn down a doctor’s approach should something bad happen, I also know that what I eat and what kind of environment I’m in can impact my health.  (Tying in with how my health has declined over the past year, maybe?)

I’m hesitant to try to pin down what my level of consciousness is, as to avoid hubris, but I know that I still have room for improvement.  But I have (somehow, over time) become aware of just how wrong things are with the way our society (especially the US) functions.  It was a subtle change, and I’m not sure how I missed it, but I am sure now that I no longer hold the same worldviews as my parents.  It’s very odd, looking at your parents and wondering how they missed the shift.  It’s left me feeling confused, and sad, because I know I can’t change their views on how the world works, and I’m sure that this will put me in conflict with them in the future.

Gluten-free?

I saw my chiropractor this morning, and while my lumbar is feeling better, my knees and ankles are not happy.  Like, very not happy.  Dr. T was testing for inflammation down my legs, and the pain escalated quickly from ‘nothing’ to ‘NOT OK AT ALL!’  He suggests I get a referral to an orthopedist & get X-rays taken of my knees and ankles (while I still have fancy-insurance) to check the structure.  Because it would suck if I needed to get a knee replaced, for example.

One of the other things we discussed is the possibility of food allergies contributing to the inflammation.  As the only thing I’m aware of being allergic to right now is artificial peach flavor, this is an entirely new realm for me.  However, I recognize it as a possibility, and I’d really rather check for food allergies before discussing the need for a diet.  (I hate even the concept of a diet.  I think they’re depressing, and 99% of the time, they don’t work, especially long-term.)

So, today starts a two-week trial run of being gluten-free.  (We decided on gluten because, while I enjoy eating dairy, I don’t necessarily crave it… certainly not like I do wheat-based things.)  I can already tell this is going to be challenging, because I happened to pick up Pringles and wheat-flour tortilla shells when I went shopping yesterday.  I’m already wanting Pringles… though that could just be because I’m hungry.

Dr. T also mentioned potential emotional responses to giving up a food.  He said that (speaking generally) people who are depressed don’t necessarily want to feel better, and to watch out for overcompensating for the loss of gluten by eating a ton of dairy (for example), because the thing that could be emotionally compensating may also be a contributor to feeling bad/in pain.  I’ll need to keep an eye out for those emotional responses, especially if I’m doing other emotional work this summer.

So, gluten-free.  This’ll be interesting.  I already know I can go without breads, and rice pasta is ok.  What’ll be more challenging is looking for wheat in things like salad dressing and sauces.  (And soy sauce?!)  I need to make sure the folks I eat with are on-board with this, as well, because the worst is when you’re watching someone eat something you want & can’t have.

… On reflection, that sounds a lot like envy.  Hmm…

Perhaps more introspection on envy is required.